If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*