to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
You Might Also Like
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.