You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
The answer is funnier than the question
My favorite female superhero
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.