Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.