I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
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Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Oh hi lol
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.