News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
“I FIXED IT!”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I only say stupid things when I talk.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.