[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
cats when you pet them too long:
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4