Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
You Might Also Like
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Good Morning.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets