Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
🤣
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.