“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
You Might Also Like
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!