I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
You Might Also Like
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn