Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Good advice.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.