Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.