*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
best review i’ve ever seen
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Sign at work today
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.