ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
i think we should see other cousins
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Sorry not sorry.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Remember folks 😂
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were