Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Traveler’s camo
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Thoughts
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!