DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.