Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]