Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
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Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I don’t think my car can fly
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
DOOO EEEET