If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
You Might Also Like
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha