I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.