me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo