They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I needed a laugh this morning.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good