It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody