Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
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My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Same pineapple, same
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
constantly working on myself.