Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope