My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.