Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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3.
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5.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
When your parents check you’re ok.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
School be like
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”