Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
You Might Also Like
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
#growingpains
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.