A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.