You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Geez man, take it easy.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered