Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click