JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Looking at you, Jesus.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”