*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
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“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.