Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
WHY would you be happy about this?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.