No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
meanwhile over on facebook
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler