When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!