I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
You Might Also Like
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Sending in my taxes
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?