my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.