Mountain Goat : )
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It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Noah was an idiot.