me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My favorite female superhero
The cashier just checked me out.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?