I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.