GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*