If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now