Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
You Might Also Like
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
c’mon!
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.