I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
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so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.