if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”