I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.