nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “