You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
A game married people play.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
(2022)
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
yeet